We accept the love we think we deserve.
Never regret anything, every ‘mistake’ is a chance to learn, and my lord have I had my fair share of relationship mistakes. In a bid to clear everything up and to stop people from making the same mistakes as me, here’s my relationship advice to myself, and you, this year.
Every date I have had has ended up in some form of intense relationship. I used to only see the good in people, I would rush into relationships and have our baby names planned, before I’d even found out his middle name. Tiny bit psychotic and a slight exaggeration, but the excitement of potential happiness would get the better of me.
Don’t Make Decisions When You’re Unhappy
In the past, when I have started relationships I have been incredibly unhappy. I would be craving any form of positive attention, in a desperate bid to reinforce that I am worthy, or that I am lovable. When I first met my ex I was incredibly vulnerable and I fell into their life, fast and hard. “That’s what she said” – Michael Scott.
I’m very all or nothing with most things in life, which is a blessing and a curse. This frustrating trait led me into a bit of a predicament, when after approximately 2 months of dating, I had moved into his flat, redecorated and began my new life as somebody’s girlfriend. When this relationship ended I was shocked, heartbroken and as you can see from the captions on my old Instagram posts, I was not shy about sharing my pain. I haven’t deleted these because in the moment this was important, this pain made me who I am now.
The Learning Curve
Everyday is a school day, when my 2 year relationship ended, I swore off men. But alas, not long after, I found myself pursuing a tinder fling, which again, got very intense, very quickly. I was nowhere near ready for something so serious, therefore, this inevitably ended in me being dumped via Facebook, for being cold and heartless. This confirmed all the self doubt I ever had and I began to think my shortcomings were solely my fault. I was incredibly angry at myself and frustrated for all the time and money I had invested, into such a short spell of nothingness.
This time I was certain I wouldn’t be making any stupid mistakes again. I started CBT for an unrelated matter and learnt interesting things about intrusive false thoughts. I feel this really helped me to learn to be okay on my own. I was on my own because I wanted to be, not because no one wanted me. You cannot love another, until you truly love yourself.
I put myself on a 6 month man ban. Of course, like I always say, when you’re not looking for a relationship, they normally find you. This time was different, I knew this guy. We’d been friends for the last 4 years, but I still wasn’t keen to rush into anything. He was my almost relationship, the one that got away.
The fear of failure and making the same mistakes, almost stopped me from being happy.
Not Making The Same Mistakes Twice
I became so obsessed with not making the same mistakes, I was slowing myself down. I was stopping myself from potential happiness out of fear of failure. My goal for 2018 is to take romantic risks, to create safety nets for those ‘just in case’ moments. I don’t want to find myself in a situation where I rely on another human for my happiness, my life and my finances, it’s not fun and it’s not healthy. This doesn’t mean I like someone less, or that I’m not serious about them, it means I’m learning from my mistakes. I don’t wan’t to be homeless and sad again. I’m going to be taking precautions, I suggest you all do too.
Top Dating Tips
These are the mistakes I unintentionally made, don’t do the same. Firstly don’t lose your friends, this is so easy to do. I did it, when I didn’t have my own place to live, I didn’t have anywhere for my friends to stay (they lived far away) so I stopped seeing them. I didn’t see my family as much. I missed out on birthdays and family events. I pushed my loved ones away in an attempt to keep him happy. Don’t get consumed by someone else’s life. Remember to do you, stay true to who you are, because at the end of the day, the only thing that is certain is you are you.
I’ve found a guy who makes me laugh constantly, he loves my family, which is so important to me. I am strong enough now to stand as part of a team, rather than as someone’s property. He is as strange as I am, and while he’s never bought me flowers (HINT HINT) he’s the one for me.